More on stockings

While I was doing some shopping I came across this advice in an online stocking shop. It’s taken from their forums, I think. A recently divorced man asks for advice on finding a woman who understands his stocking fetish.

He makes a couple of mistakes I think. He assumes that all men are mesmerised by sheer nylons. Not the case, in my experience. He also thinks that men are equally interested in stockings and tights – my experience only, but most men I have met find stockings sexy and tights unsexy (although some men seem to be into ripping tights, but that’s another fetish again, I suppose). Worst of all, he calls tights ‘pantyhose’ – I wanted to stop him right there. And if he sees a woman who isn’t suitably clad, he’s quite put out: “Nothing is more disappointing to me than to see a beautiful woman dressed beautifully wearing high heels and bare legs.”

But it’s the answer that’s the problem. Instead of looking for a fellow fetishist, the guy is advised to keep his desires hidden and find a (presumably) ‘vanilla’ (in the stocking fetishist sense at least) partner.

“Treat her like a lady. Do the things for her that make her feel good about your relationship. After you have a loving, trusting relationship, share with her your needs and your desire for a relationship with a lady that displays her elegance. Buy her gifts of fine lingerie, and sheer stockings.”

In other words, keep your fetish under wraps until you’ve sucked her in. Once you’ve got some commitment from her, present the fetish as something else (an admiration of her elegance). Then spend money on the fetish (disguised as ‘gifts’) so that she feels obliged to indulge it.

But isn’t this exactly the undesirable situation that so many people get into? Choosing ‘vanilla’ partners, and hoping to change them into something they’re not? Perhaps lying about their kink, or trying to present it as something else, or trying to manipulate their partner into fulfilling it? And what about the people who get deep into a relationship with someone who appears to be vanilla and sexually compatible, only to have some unwelcome kink sprung on them later?

If someone is single and starting from scratch, wouldn’t it be better to find a sexually compatible partner in the first place? In this guy’s case, it would seem like events are loaded that way anyway – he’s so disappointed by women without nylons that he’s only going to be attracted to women who are wearing them (and therefore probably like wearing them) in the first place. And whether they have a complementary fetish or not, wouldn’t it be more open, honest and potentially fruitful for him to come right out with the stocking thing at the beginning? After all, it seems to be a ‘need’ for him. There’s no point in starting a relationship if the person isn’t going to meet that need.

I’ve been through enough years of the ‘find a vanilla partner and convert them’ technique, to know that ultimately, it isn’t fulfilling. It’s a last resort, not a master plan.

10 thoughts about switching

Although I tend to think of myself as dominant/sadistic/a top (wish I could find a word I liked), I do switch, wholeheartedly. In fact, when I dated vanilla guys I was more likely to be on the bottom. I think that even men who are not particularly kinky can get some pleasure out of doing ‘bad’ things to their partner, because they enjoy their partners’ response, or perhaps enjoy the visuals of somebody tied up, etc. They can also get some fun out of being dominated a little, if it doesn’t involve pain. But pain is the sticking point – if someone doesn’t naturally eroticise receiving it, then it’s not something you can do to them sexually. So as a kinky woman, dating vanilla men, you’re stuck with getting them to hit you, not vice versa.

This became frustrating for me, to the point where I decided I was never again going to seriously date anyone who didn’t want to be hit. I think it was a very wise decision.

However, now that I’m in a very happy relationship with someone who wants to be hit (and don’t I love him for it!) I find that I sometimes want to switch back and be on the receiving end. I’ve been thinking about why that happens, and what it means to me.

1. I think that I’m basically kinky, rather than basically sub or dom. I have a kink which involves people hitting each other, and the details of who is hitting whom is less important than the kink itself.

2. Sometimes I feel sadistic and sometimes masochistic, but sometimes I’m floating in the middle, happy to do either.

3. My boyfriend is not only happy to switch but very good at it. He’s very sexy when he tops me and I love seeing that side of him.

4. I lean more towards sadism and masochism, rather than towards dominance and submission. Pain is important. However, the dominance comes to the fore more when I’m topping. On the bottom, I think I’m much more masochistic than submissive, although I can enjoy being submissive for my boyfriend in particular. The things I particularly like to experience are pain, restraint and sensory deprivation – things which aren’t necessarily tied to submission.

5. I do wonder if there might even be some physical basis for that – after a while, I often feel very relaxed and calm, and don’t even feel the pain. Presumably that’s something to do with endorphins, and maybe it’s the way I’m wired. It’s like being in a trance and very soothing.

6. Because of that, bottoming is just the thing if I’m stressed. I’m more likely to want to switch if I’m having problems at work, for instance.

7. I love the attention of being on the bottom. It’s very flattering to have someone put all that effort into doing things to me. It makes me feel attractive and desirable.

8. Because I switched yesterday, I’m feeling a longing to be sadistic now. Although I said that I have that particular kink, and it doesn’t matter too much which side I’m on, even an amazing experience on one side won’t satisfy a craving for the other side.

9. I don’t know how much sexual fantasies tie in to real life, as my fantasies are usually much darker and nastier than real life (a topic for another post, I think). I do have fantasies about both sides, although I tend to have more sadistic fantasies.

10. I’ve sometimes read that it’s a good thing for a top to experience things on the bottom so that they know what the sub is feeling. I think that’s probably true in that it’s useful to know what kind of sensation you’re giving when you do x to your man. But I don’t think I experience things the same way as my boyfriend does – if we switch, it’s not just a case of him doing exactly the same things to me as I’d do to him. We work differently.

Of course, now I’ve got a number 11 in my head, but I don’t want to spoil the list of 10 things.