I’d planned to keep this blog fairly regularly updated, but health problems are getting in the way. Good old health problems, eh? How do you maintain the passion when a large part of your relationship seems to involve trips to hospital, the sexy hotness of a theatre gown and paper knickers, discussions of drug side effects, early nights, no alcohol, etc?
Quite easily, it seems. Although I’ve been so tired, the passion seems to be still there simmering underneath.
One thing I’ve found out about kink over the years, is that, like parents, you don’t get to choose it. You like what you like. It doesn’t matter how much you don’t want something to turn you on, how un-PC it is, how repellent, how sexist, racist, ageist, sick, unhygienic, dangerous, immoral, unethical, unfeasible, socially unacceptable or uncomfortable it is. If it turns you on, it turns you on. You can try hating yourself for wanting it, try denying it, try rationalizing it or try converting it into something more acceptable but it’s still going to turn you on.
This is such an important point, that I have a feeling it’s one I’m going to keep coming back to.
I do feel sorry for people whose kinks are beyond the pale – to themselves or others. Sometimes they have to be. There are some things which just shouldn’t be acted out in real life – lots of things, in fact. And some things are just not acceptable to many people. Having a kink which really is too dangerous, immoral, ridiculous or whatever must be pretty lonely and isolating. For some it will mean forever giving up the hope of fulfilment and always carrying a dark secret. For others it will mean guilty, furtive, lonely indulgences, tentative confessions and repeated rejections and humiliations.
Why do I care? Well, because I’ve been there in the past. There was a time when I thought my kink was wrong, morally wrong, and that I must be pretty fucked-up and basically immoral for having it. Luckily for me, it turned out that it wasn’t wrong at all, nor was it weird, disgusting, unacceptable, evil, particularly dangerous or anything negative really. It could be acted out safely and enjoyably and there were plenty of people willing to help me do it. But I do remember the lonely torment of feeling it was wrong and rare. I feel for people who are in that position – either because they can’t accept their kink or because their kink really is unacceptable.
The internet is for porn (mainly) and I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to find it. It’s not as if I haven’t looked, but so little of what I found was appealing. I’m pretty much a straight woman, and porn isn’t usually aimed at straight women. Oddly enough, even the porn that’s supposed to be aimed at straight women doesn’t really appeal. And I think I’m starting to work out why.
I’m kinky (if you want to make it sound light-hearted and fun) or sado-masochistic (if you want to make it sound nasty and dangerous – which I maybe prefer), not so much as a sideline or foreplay but as a sexual orientation. It’s how I do sex. So if I fantasise, I don’t fantasise about sex, but about the elements of my kink – pain, humiliation, force, restraint, blood, sweat and tears, etc. If that’s my fantasy material, then that’s what I want to see in porn, isn’t it? So watching sex doesn’t do it for me. Perhaps it does it for me a little, but not very much. Whereas watching men being tied up, beaten and so on … does do it for me.
I’m also sexually attracted to men not women, in general. So looking at women doesn’t do it for me as a rule. Looking at men does.
Put the two together, and you’ve got gay bondage porn, basically. I wonder why I bothered looking at anything else.
But there was never enough free stuff that I liked on the net, so I’ve ended up signing up and *gasp* paying for porn. Yes, I’m a woman, who is paying good money for porn to watch on her own (not with her boyfriend). Porn just for me. My porn. Am I the only one? Because I haven’t heard of any other women doing it – but I’ve done it, other people must have.
If anyone’s interested, I signed up with JT’s Stockroom (link on the right somewhere, I think). I don’t know if it’s any better than any other site, but what pulled me in was a very nice free clip (of a very attractive man being tortured) and the opportunity to buy minutes rather than sign up for a monthly fee. You can just buy a couple of quid’s worth it you want to check it out. And the other thing that’s kept me there, now I’m there, is the huge amount of choice – a quick browse through found all sorts of stuff for different tastes, including vintage porn. I’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg and so far, much to my surprise, I’ve found lots of stuff which really turns me on. It turns out it wasn’t me that didn’t ‘get’ porn – it was the porn’s fault.
I’m going to spare my readers (you are there, aren’t you? Hello?) a long description of who I am and why I’m here. Maybe that will come later. I’m here. Pleased to meet you.
