Early signs

I’ve been reading some posts about the development of people’s kinky desires(Axe and Omnivore*). It’s interesting that the signs are often there in childhood. That was certainly the case for me.

I first noticed that something was up before puberty. I found that I got excited about certain things in books and films, particularly anything which involved whipping (pirate films and so on). The combination of pain and humiliation was particularly exciting. (There’s a post on humiliation coming later. It’s something I really need to talk about, even if I find the word difficult to type for some reason – as in physically difficult to type rather than psychologically. My fingers seem to stumble over those particular letters. Although perhaps that’s kind of Freudian, but anyway…). I still remember that feeling – I can recognise it now as sexual, but back then I didn’t know what it was. I know it felt like a very private feeling and I’d feel embarrassed about it.

Back then, corporal punishment was common. Watching it or being involved in it gave me that feeling. I remember thinking how puzzling it was that adults would choose to punish children in that way (a way which was sexually arousing, although I didn’t think of those words). It felt wrong. I still feel the same way, actually. Corporal punishment still feels like a completely inappropriate way to discipline a child. This is something that is never really talked about. For some children that type of punishment is going to feel sexual.

A friend of mine felt the same way, and at around age 10 we would spend a lot of our time in a secret huddle, whispering excitedly to each other about spanking, caning, whipping and and other such delights. I lost touch with her shortly after, and I wonder if she turned out to be kinky (I have no doubt that she was kinky. She got as excited as me. But I’m not sure if she would have acted on it).

At 13 and 14 I was experimenting with sex, and instinctively experimented with kink at the same time. I would bite, scratch and hurt boys. It must have been pretty annoying for most of them. I suppose they went along with it because of the rarity of sexual attention at that age.

It gradually dawned on me that other people weren’t as into this thing as I was. It had always felt wrong. Back then I suspected that everybody else was into it (how could these things not be arousing?) but that they were much better at suppressing the feelings than I was. I felt bad about not being able to suppress it like other people. Later on, it was more clear that most people didn’t have these feelings to suppress. But then we’re getting into adulthood ….

It’s completely clear to me that I’m kinky through and through. That feeling that I had in my childhood is still there and hasn’t changed. If I could have changed it, I would. I don’t think it can be changed – it can be suppressed but not eradicated.

*I imagine that it’s OK to link to those posts from my weblog. Give me a shout if it’s not, and I’ll take out the links.

10 thoughts about switching

Although I tend to think of myself as dominant/sadistic/a top (wish I could find a word I liked), I do switch, wholeheartedly. In fact, when I dated vanilla guys I was more likely to be on the bottom. I think that even men who are not particularly kinky can get some pleasure out of doing ‘bad’ things to their partner, because they enjoy their partners’ response, or perhaps enjoy the visuals of somebody tied up, etc. They can also get some fun out of being dominated a little, if it doesn’t involve pain. But pain is the sticking point – if someone doesn’t naturally eroticise receiving it, then it’s not something you can do to them sexually. So as a kinky woman, dating vanilla men, you’re stuck with getting them to hit you, not vice versa.

This became frustrating for me, to the point where I decided I was never again going to seriously date anyone who didn’t want to be hit. I think it was a very wise decision.

However, now that I’m in a very happy relationship with someone who wants to be hit (and don’t I love him for it!) I find that I sometimes want to switch back and be on the receiving end. I’ve been thinking about why that happens, and what it means to me.

1. I think that I’m basically kinky, rather than basically sub or dom. I have a kink which involves people hitting each other, and the details of who is hitting whom is less important than the kink itself.

2. Sometimes I feel sadistic and sometimes masochistic, but sometimes I’m floating in the middle, happy to do either.

3. My boyfriend is not only happy to switch but very good at it. He’s very sexy when he tops me and I love seeing that side of him.

4. I lean more towards sadism and masochism, rather than towards dominance and submission. Pain is important. However, the dominance comes to the fore more when I’m topping. On the bottom, I think I’m much more masochistic than submissive, although I can enjoy being submissive for my boyfriend in particular. The things I particularly like to experience are pain, restraint and sensory deprivation – things which aren’t necessarily tied to submission.

5. I do wonder if there might even be some physical basis for that – after a while, I often feel very relaxed and calm, and don’t even feel the pain. Presumably that’s something to do with endorphins, and maybe it’s the way I’m wired. It’s like being in a trance and very soothing.

6. Because of that, bottoming is just the thing if I’m stressed. I’m more likely to want to switch if I’m having problems at work, for instance.

7. I love the attention of being on the bottom. It’s very flattering to have someone put all that effort into doing things to me. It makes me feel attractive and desirable.

8. Because I switched yesterday, I’m feeling a longing to be sadistic now. Although I said that I have that particular kink, and it doesn’t matter too much which side I’m on, even an amazing experience on one side won’t satisfy a craving for the other side.

9. I don’t know how much sexual fantasies tie in to real life, as my fantasies are usually much darker and nastier than real life (a topic for another post, I think). I do have fantasies about both sides, although I tend to have more sadistic fantasies.

10. I’ve sometimes read that it’s a good thing for a top to experience things on the bottom so that they know what the sub is feeling. I think that’s probably true in that it’s useful to know what kind of sensation you’re giving when you do x to your man. But I don’t think I experience things the same way as my boyfriend does – if we switch, it’s not just a case of him doing exactly the same things to me as I’d do to him. We work differently.

Of course, now I’ve got a number 11 in my head, but I don’t want to spoil the list of 10 things.