While I was doing some shopping I came across this advice in an online stocking shop. It’s taken from their forums, I think. A recently divorced man asks for advice on finding a woman who understands his stocking fetish.
He makes a couple of mistakes I think. He assumes that all men are mesmerised by sheer nylons. Not the case, in my experience. He also thinks that men are equally interested in stockings and tights – my experience only, but most men I have met find stockings sexy and tights unsexy (although some men seem to be into ripping tights, but that’s another fetish again, I suppose). Worst of all, he calls tights ‘pantyhose’ – I wanted to stop him right there. And if he sees a woman who isn’t suitably clad, he’s quite put out: “Nothing is more disappointing to me than to see a beautiful woman dressed beautifully wearing high heels and bare legs.”
But it’s the answer that’s the problem. Instead of looking for a fellow fetishist, the guy is advised to keep his desires hidden and find a (presumably) ‘vanilla’ (in the stocking fetishist sense at least) partner.
“Treat her like a lady. Do the things for her that make her feel good about your relationship. After you have a loving, trusting relationship, share with her your needs and your desire for a relationship with a lady that displays her elegance. Buy her gifts of fine lingerie, and sheer stockings.”
In other words, keep your fetish under wraps until you’ve sucked her in. Once you’ve got some commitment from her, present the fetish as something else (an admiration of her elegance). Then spend money on the fetish (disguised as ‘gifts’) so that she feels obliged to indulge it.
But isn’t this exactly the undesirable situation that so many people get into? Choosing ‘vanilla’ partners, and hoping to change them into something they’re not? Perhaps lying about their kink, or trying to present it as something else, or trying to manipulate their partner into fulfilling it? And what about the people who get deep into a relationship with someone who appears to be vanilla and sexually compatible, only to have some unwelcome kink sprung on them later?
If someone is single and starting from scratch, wouldn’t it be better to find a sexually compatible partner in the first place? In this guy’s case, it would seem like events are loaded that way anyway – he’s so disappointed by women without nylons that he’s only going to be attracted to women who are wearing them (and therefore probably like wearing them) in the first place. And whether they have a complementary fetish or not, wouldn’t it be more open, honest and potentially fruitful for him to come right out with the stocking thing at the beginning? After all, it seems to be a ‘need’ for him. There’s no point in starting a relationship if the person isn’t going to meet that need.
I’ve been through enough years of the ‘find a vanilla partner and convert them’ technique, to know that ultimately, it isn’t fulfilling. It’s a last resort, not a master plan.
The man longs to “meet a woman who understands my fetish”. He wishes to be able to “express this desire without sounding weird or perverted”.
I am not quite sure what the man’s problem is. If a woman thinks his fetish is weird or perverted, then that woman is obviously not a good match for him. On the other hand, if a woman does not think that his fetish is weird or perverted, then she obviously understands his fetish on some level.
Comment by Jonah — February 14, 2008 @ 9:52 pm
I suppose what bothers me is that neither of the people consider that he might be honest about his fetish and look for somebody who shares it.
I actually think it sounds like it’s more than just a stocking fetish. It seems to be combined with some submissiveness – he talks about the power the woman would have over him, and a desire to be controlled. I think his first choice for a partner should be a sexually dominant woman who likes wearing stockings.
I think there maybe is a slight distinction between not thinking it’s perverted and understanding it. Not thinking it’s perverted would just mean that the woman saw it as normal enough. Understanding it seems to be about her understanding what it feels like for him, and being willing to play her part in it. What bothers me is that the answer expects him to try to manipulate a woman into ‘understanding’, rather than finding one who does. And that involves hiding his kink until the woman has fallen in love with him and has more to lose. It’s sneaky.
Comment by lorelin — February 15, 2008 @ 7:55 am
What made you to initially try the “find a vanilla partner and convert them” technique?
Comment by Jonah — February 15, 2008 @ 11:53 am
Well, that’s a long story. To start off, I didn’t really know what kink was, and for a time I thought that everybody felt like me underneath, but they were all better at supressing it. Later, I was more attracted to people that I thought might be kinky, but I didn’t know of any way of meeting people who had my kinks specifically. I suppose I had some success with getting vanilla guys to indulge my kinks too, so it seemed like that was the way to go. About 10 years ago I had a rethink and decided that while I was happy to have casual sex with vanilla guys, my kinks were too important to me to have relationships without without them. The internet helped to show me the way, and to accept that my kink wasn’t an awkward nuisance but a benefit, for the right person.
If I had my time again, I’d have looked specifically for kinky partners right from the start. But it was a case of not being sure if they existed, and not knowing where to look.
Comment by lorelin — February 15, 2008 @ 1:13 pm