I’ve been reading some posts about the development of people’s kinky desires(Axe and Omnivore*). It’s interesting that the signs are often there in childhood. That was certainly the case for me.
I first noticed that something was up before puberty. I found that I got excited about certain things in books and films, particularly anything which involved whipping (pirate films and so on). The combination of pain and humiliation was particularly exciting. (There’s a post on humiliation coming later. It’s something I really need to talk about, even if I find the word difficult to type for some reason – as in physically difficult to type rather than psychologically. My fingers seem to stumble over those particular letters. Although perhaps that’s kind of Freudian, but anyway…). I still remember that feeling – I can recognise it now as sexual, but back then I didn’t know what it was. I know it felt like a very private feeling and I’d feel embarrassed about it.
Back then, corporal punishment was common. Watching it or being involved in it gave me that feeling. I remember thinking how puzzling it was that adults would choose to punish children in that way (a way which was sexually arousing, although I didn’t think of those words). It felt wrong. I still feel the same way, actually. Corporal punishment still feels like a completely inappropriate way to discipline a child. This is something that is never really talked about. For some children that type of punishment is going to feel sexual.
A friend of mine felt the same way, and at around age 10 we would spend a lot of our time in a secret huddle, whispering excitedly to each other about spanking, caning, whipping and and other such delights. I lost touch with her shortly after, and I wonder if she turned out to be kinky (I have no doubt that she was kinky. She got as excited as me. But I’m not sure if she would have acted on it).
At 13 and 14 I was experimenting with sex, and instinctively experimented with kink at the same time. I would bite, scratch and hurt boys. It must have been pretty annoying for most of them. I suppose they went along with it because of the rarity of sexual attention at that age.
It gradually dawned on me that other people weren’t as into this thing as I was. It had always felt wrong. Back then I suspected that everybody else was into it (how could these things not be arousing?) but that they were much better at suppressing the feelings than I was. I felt bad about not being able to suppress it like other people. Later on, it was more clear that most people didn’t have these feelings to suppress. But then we’re getting into adulthood ….
It’s completely clear to me that I’m kinky through and through. That feeling that I had in my childhood is still there and hasn’t changed. If I could have changed it, I would. I don’t think it can be changed – it can be suppressed but not eradicated.
*I imagine that it’s OK to link to those posts from my weblog. Give me a shout if it’s not, and I’ll take out the links.
[...] on the internet, it seemed as if it opened up a whole new world of People Like Me. Outside of those whispers with my childhood friend, I’d been pretty much alone. I’d had slightly kinky boyfriends, of course, but none of [...]
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