In other relationships, at some point, I’ve found myself attracted to other men. Sometimes a vague attraction, sometimes an all-out crush. It’s not a big problem – either I avoid the person I’m crushing on, or I take it as a sign that I’m not getting what I want out of the relationship. I do think it’s inevitable that if a relationship carries on long enough, the chemistry is going to be there with somebody else. I did think that, anyway.
But I’m starting to wonder, because it’s been years since I’ve had a crush on anybody other than my boyfriend (I really do need to think of a name for him). I haven’t even been particularly attracted to anyone else since I met him. Is that because of him, or me, or because this is my first relationship with somebody who’s as kinky as me instead of just playing at it? Maybe it’s a mixture of all three.
I obsess about him still. The feeling is a bit like constantly falling in love (rather than just being in love). It comes and goes. Sometimes it’s comfortable and in the background, whereas sometimes it is like a compulsion – as if I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m not complaining – I love that it still feels that way for me. But it seems strange, after all these years.
Maybe it really is just because I wasn’t being satisfied, sexually, in other relationships. Maybe this glow comes from finally getting my sexual needs met. Maybe the reason I’m still obsessed is because he does the things I want. He’s the kind of person I would fantasise about being with if I wasn’t already with him. So it makes sense that being with him, I fantasise about him.
