One thing I’ve found out about kink over the years, is that, like parents, you don’t get to choose it. You like what you like. It doesn’t matter how much you don’t want something to turn you on, how un-PC it is, how repellent, how sexist, racist, ageist, sick, unhygienic, dangerous, immoral, unethical, unfeasible, socially unacceptable or uncomfortable it is. If it turns you on, it turns you on. You can try hating yourself for wanting it, try denying it, try rationalizing it or try converting it into something more acceptable but it’s still going to turn you on.
This is such an important point, that I have a feeling it’s one I’m going to keep coming back to.
I do feel sorry for people whose kinks are beyond the pale – to themselves or others. Sometimes they have to be. There are some things which just shouldn’t be acted out in real life – lots of things, in fact. And some things are just not acceptable to many people. Having a kink which really is too dangerous, immoral, ridiculous or whatever must be pretty lonely and isolating. For some it will mean forever giving up the hope of fulfilment and always carrying a dark secret. For others it will mean guilty, furtive, lonely indulgences, tentative confessions and repeated rejections and humiliations.
Why do I care? Well, because I’ve been there in the past. There was a time when I thought my kink was wrong, morally wrong, and that I must be pretty fucked-up and basically immoral for having it. Luckily for me, it turned out that it wasn’t wrong at all, nor was it weird, disgusting, unacceptable, evil, particularly dangerous or anything negative really. It could be acted out safely and enjoyably and there were plenty of people willing to help me do it. But I do remember the lonely torment of feeling it was wrong and rare. I feel for people who are in that position – either because they can’t accept their kink or because their kink really is unacceptable.
I agree with you: one cannot choose what turns one on and what does not. One must carefully choose what one acts out and what one does not act out, but that is a different thing. Sometimes there good reasons to criticize somebody for doing something but it is pointless to criticize somebody for being turned on by something.
My heart sinks a bit every time I see people criticizing each other just because they are not turned on by the same things. People need to learn to say “that is just not my cup of tea” instead of “what a sick pervert you are”.
Comment by Jonah — February 3, 2008 @ 2:43 pm
Thank you. Yes, it’s pointless to criticise people for being turned on by something. It’s also pointless for people to criticise themselves for that. I agree that it’s sad to see people who are lucky enough to have a more acceptable kink criticising those who have less acceptable ones. (And yes, what we choose to act out is a different thing, and comes under the usual sort of rules which apply to interactions between people).
Comment by lorelin — February 4, 2008 @ 7:19 am